OCD, self destructive behavior and growth...
Well, I am feeling like shit this morning, and it's pretty much my own fault. Again. This particular FMS flare-up to be fair to myself, started with driving the truck. But it's continuing, I believe, because I am caught in another OCD and self will run riot episode of late nights.
What really sux for me about this is that this time of year, I can pretty much bet on having some ocd-manic time getting ready for Yule. But it's a little early, if I wanna feel even half-way decent on the day.
It should be starting now. *LOL* And not on top of a flare up already in process, dammit!!! So here it is, the Solstice, and my back and hips are screaming at me so I can hardly walk, and my knees hurt so bad from trying to protect my back going up and down steps, that they are inflamed and feel like they're going to buckle every time I take the 2 steps down to our bedroom. Damn!!
B came over to visit, yesterday. We had a blast all day being iTunes whores and copying music to our iBooks and visiting. But then as the evening wore on we settled into talk of spirit and psyche and space and time and before I knew it, it was 2am, again!!! I don't think I've gotten to sleep before 3am but once in the last week. And I know how hard that is on my body!!!
I've gotten so much better over this last year at listening to my body and taking better care of me, but I still go through these crazy episodes where I know I'm doing too much that's not good for me, and I can't seem to stop. Too much coffee, too many ciggs, to many late nights in a row, allergy foods in excess....
Talk about OCD and manic behavior. And how self destructive or self defeating is it?? Or is it?? When I'm like this I feel like "I just wanna be normal!! (Well, normal me, anyway)" I get so frustrated with my limitations, and then, like a good alcoholic, I'm on a binge!!!
Well. Not drinking, but the metaphor is apt. In AA we say "It's the first drink that gets ya drunk" We understand that to mean that the first drink kicks the obsession into overdrive and we're off. It's much "safer" to just not take the first drink.
These obsessive, self injuring behaviors of mine seem much the same. Just like my allergy foods. Once I pull an all nighter drinking coffee and working on the computer, or tattooing or crafting or whatever, it's like I enter into "control" mode. I have to, or I'm off on a binge, so to speak.
Now, if (If what a big little word. "Op zoboba hat gehort, ern zeida ben ein zeda!!" [translation from yiddish: If Grandma had balls, she'd have been Grandpa]). *LOL*
What really sux for me about this is that this time of year, I can pretty much bet on having some ocd-manic time getting ready for Yule. But it's a little early, if I wanna feel even half-way decent on the day.
It should be starting now. *LOL* And not on top of a flare up already in process, dammit!!! So here it is, the Solstice, and my back and hips are screaming at me so I can hardly walk, and my knees hurt so bad from trying to protect my back going up and down steps, that they are inflamed and feel like they're going to buckle every time I take the 2 steps down to our bedroom. Damn!!
B came over to visit, yesterday. We had a blast all day being iTunes whores and copying music to our iBooks and visiting. But then as the evening wore on we settled into talk of spirit and psyche and space and time and before I knew it, it was 2am, again!!! I don't think I've gotten to sleep before 3am but once in the last week. And I know how hard that is on my body!!!
I've gotten so much better over this last year at listening to my body and taking better care of me, but I still go through these crazy episodes where I know I'm doing too much that's not good for me, and I can't seem to stop. Too much coffee, too many ciggs, to many late nights in a row, allergy foods in excess....
Talk about OCD and manic behavior. And how self destructive or self defeating is it?? Or is it?? When I'm like this I feel like "I just wanna be normal!! (Well, normal me, anyway)" I get so frustrated with my limitations, and then, like a good alcoholic, I'm on a binge!!!
Well. Not drinking, but the metaphor is apt. In AA we say "It's the first drink that gets ya drunk" We understand that to mean that the first drink kicks the obsession into overdrive and we're off. It's much "safer" to just not take the first drink.
These obsessive, self injuring behaviors of mine seem much the same. Just like my allergy foods. Once I pull an all nighter drinking coffee and working on the computer, or tattooing or crafting or whatever, it's like I enter into "control" mode. I have to, or I'm off on a binge, so to speak.
Now, if (If what a big little word. "Op zoboba hat gehort, ern zeida ben ein zeda!!" [translation from yiddish: If Grandma had balls, she'd have been Grandpa]). *LOL*
Labels: Flare Up, FMS, self destructive
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