On Tarot Tuesday (a rambling dissertation of self examination and disclosure)

So this morning (it must be my week for personal lessons/growth), I have been given the opportunity, through my own actions in a friendship situation, to examine myself and my behaviors, motives, etc.
The really great thing about this, (aside from the personal growth factor, of course) is that it's given me another themed day for this blog. This is a great thing to me because:
a)It presents another facet of me to you, which is my true intent for this blog. To give the reader a context within/from which to better understand my thoughts/opinions/positions, etc. Although I love reading political, spiritual, magickal, feminist etc. themed blogs in and of themselves, it is my personal desire to present a fuller, more contextual blog. I am not defined or labeled by any one of my interests, passions, beliefs, or political views. I haven't touched much on my spiritual/magickal self, and this is a perfect way to add this content as another expression of self.
b) It helps me remember that I am more than my politics, my outrage and my despair. One downside of being an activist for me is that I am a bit obsessive and too empathic. As a teenager and into my mid 20's, I read about politics, philosophy and war, torture and genocide, oppression, racism, feminism and the historical contexts from which many of these things arise. At some point I became overwhelmed and felt powerless and decided that the only answer was to work on myself. If I wanted the world to become a better place it would only happen one person at a time, and I must needs start with me. So I checked out. Almost. I refrained from watching or reading news, and the only activism I participated in was a very personal one to me (that I still practice), which I call the "Silence Implies Consent" rule. When confronted in my life with prejudice, judgment, sexism, etc. I spoke out. I refused to stand by and imply my consent to things/views/statements or actions that I was morally opposed to.
During so-called "Desert Storm", my personal resolve broke and I became marginally involved in paying attention, again. To my dismay, I broke out in shingles and had a minor emotional breakdown over it. Thorne retreats again.
About 9 years ago I began to take some small steps in activism. Learning... searching for answers, voting again (both locally and nationally), signing petitions, writing a few letters, calling my congressperson.
It has slowly led me to this. Here. Now.
But again I have found myself repeatedly on the brink of despair. Obsessively reading and researching to discover what new ills humanity and The Mother our earth is suffering. Finding myself unable to let go of the outrage, the despair and hopelessness that so often assails me when I consider the world and all of its denizens. I turn from my beautiful desert, my esoteric studies, my meditations and my joy to this computer and seek and find poison. So this Tarot Tuesday is another attempt of mine to seek balance in my life, thoughts, emotions and experience, and thereby share that balance with you, my readers.
I'm going to try to rearrange my links/blogrolls soon to reflect this. Sorting by primary area of interest or lack thereof (as in my case). I'm also, without putting myself on too rigid a schedule, (I don't do that well), going to try to limit my political and issues reading a bit. Being committed to writing on different topics will by necessity keep me incorporating them into my life. I'm thinking I must needs add some sort of gardening or nature day, too. That will come as/when it will.

(Tarot Tuesday Post to follow, but prolly not until tonight, as I have a tattoo appt soon)

Happy Holiday Musings

Yule was lovely. A made it home after driving from LV in time to enjoy the day, B joined us for the day and was his usual fun, charming self. My Tam went to spend some time with her Mom (last minute guilt tripping by T's Mom, but T and I made it through it with no game playing or hurt feelings. Yippee! I have to admit that as much as I detest family drama, I do so enjoy not participating in it.)
My Mom joined us for parts of the day, popping in and out in her PJ's (pretty cute, really) and sharing her somewhat eccentric enthusiasm at the opening of every gift. Tam and I made a simple meal of baked ham, mashed taters w/gravy, and steamed zucchini. It was nice to have only a small kitchen mess for a change!
B spent the night so my F could use his truck to go to her OB yesterday. The ultrasound was done and DR. is reasonably sure it's a girl. If F is disappointed she's hiding it well. I of course, am overjoyed that she's having the 6th generation in a matrilineal line of first daughters.
The worst thing about these holidays for me is that I've pulled my head out of the sand once again to start paying more attention to what's really going on in our world. I have this habit of doing this. I go along for months playing ostrich because I just can't stand it. The war, hunger, disease, human suffering and cruelty, ignorance...
I remember during the so-called "Gulf War" (isn't this just the same ongoing war without end??) I broke out in shingles. From the stress. Big ol' tough woman like me, and I'm a freaking marshmallow. In the past I have become physically ill when I allow myself to pay attention to the truth. The horror of the truth of american politics, of hate and bigotry, of the crimes perpetrated in the guise of religion (no matter what religion), of ignorance, of persecution and separation...
So anyway, it seems that I have decided once again, to see if I can live in awareness without the horror of it all overwhelming me. I'm spending alot of time at Clipmarks.
I'm hoping that I can do some small good by clipping bits here and there, taking action and helping spread the non-main-stream-media truth, without getting buried in it. I'm also posting alot of my clips at Yahoo 360, but I'm not really sure where they're ending up. I haven't really figured the site out.
This might be nuts, but I'm going to see if I can somehow separate my politics from my life. I mean, that's always been my problem. I get so caught up that I get ill. So I just go along, doing what I can, (recycling, reusing, speaking my truth and refusing the silence that implies consent whenever physically confronted with hate, ignorance, bigotry and so on; living my life openly as a woman, a lesbian, a witch). What I'm going to do/try this time that's different, is continue to BLOG my life here in my journals, while being active elsewhere. Occasionally I may post political bits here, but overall I'm thinking if I can force myself to separate things, I may be able to avoid the overload that always eventually makes me run and hide my head in the sand.
I don't know. I may only be kidding myself. But I want to try, again. Of course, if it works, my non political readers will never know, because my BLOGS will just go on (or on n off) as usual. And if it doesn't, only my Clipreaders and such who check in on my BLOGS from time to time will know, because I'll disappear from the political postings and readings and activism.
An experiment for the New Year!!!

My New Year's Resolution:

To seek and find balance. Balance between my inner and outer lives. Balance between living my life and the responsibility of living as a fully present human being. Balance between planning and doing.