A new beginning.....
please, Goddess. So, yesterday a little after noon sometime, I finally realized that all my crazyness, sleepiness, and escapist behaviors point to one thing. Depression. I've been feeling a bit in and out of depression for about 4-6 months, but wasn't really sure if I was just romancing my sadness, stressed out, hormonal or what. This last 2 weeks I have "hit bottom" once again. I've been taking my meds consistantly, and am at the max dose and still without health or mental health care/coverage of any kind. With our current transportation situation, there's not much I can do on an outward basis (ie meetings, support groups, counseling). Once again it is an inside job.
So yesterday, I reordered my 43 things list to put the goals that are most necessary for my health and well being at the top of my list. I know no matter how "blah" or tired or weepy I feel, I am most often able to be present and do what must be done (it's my curse...*LOL*) So when I look over the last couple of months, I notice that I am happiest when doing. Designing artwork, doing tattoos, taking care of business; whether it's laundry, housecleaning or whatever. Therein lies the problem. The drudgery of facing the daily chores without a working schedule, added to the hormones, the recent dental pain, the weight gain and up n down of my FMS pain and chronic fatigue, along with outside stressors such as vehicle problems, F and A's living and relationship, financial worries, have put me in a place of wanting to hide my head under the covers and sleep; or escape playing computer games or web browsing.
The only things that seem to get me moving are my art (when I have a design to work on...not just doing stuff because I want to draw), and keeping a minimally clean house out of love and respect for my hard-working partner.
Yesterday I managed to do several things that are good for me and will hopefully begin to help me climb my way out of this depression.
1) I ate 3 small meals. This is a big deal, because my unhealthy MO is to skip breakfast and lunch, then eat dinner which kicks my metabolism in and makes me wakeful and hungry late into the night.
2) I rode my excercise bike for 5 minutes.
3) I began taking Relacort, which I'm hoping will help with the stress and weight loss.
4) And most important of all I sat my partner down and told her that I was in depression. She admitted that she thinks she is, too. We cried together, and supported each other in our tears and feelings. And we began making some plans on how to reduce our stress, change some of our financial and vehicle problems, and most importantly, support and help pull each other up, instead of our mutual depressive behaviors insidiously pulling each other (and thereby doubling back on ourselves) down.
So last night we made a point to go to the bedroom and watch some TV together, instead of her hiding in TV, while I hide on the computer. We decided to pray together every night, and for me to get up with her in the morning and share some time before she goes to work and that we would share at least 5 gratitudes each morning.
It was very cool. I'm so grateful she is open to my experience (and dare I use her word; wisdom), to help us find solutions. Before we got too sleepy we put our arms around each other and prayed: "Hey, Goddess and Gods, this is T and T out here in the High Desert and we sure could use some help. Things are gettin' us down and we ask for strength and courage and the willingness to do what needs done. We ask so we can be better people, and reflect love instead of anger and sadness into the world. Let us be vessels of your light. Bless our loved ones and bring comfort to the afflicted. In the words of my Goddess-daughter Mikyla, please make the bad people good and the good people better." Mt T doesn't have alot of practice at praying, so I did the talking, but she was fully present. Then we did a sort of psalm I read somewhere years ago together.
"Ever as I pass through the ways
do I fee the presence of the Gods.
I know that in aught I do
They are with me.
They abide in me
as I in Them, forever.
No evil shall be entertained
for purity is the dweller
within me and about.
For good do I strive
for good do I live.
Love unto all things
Forever.
So mote it be."
It felt really good. This morning, I dragged myself awake with her (that's the tough part for me) and we did our gratitudes. The awesome thing about gratitudes is that at first you think "How can I possibly come up with 5?" And then once you get going, it's hard to stop!!! It was quite excellent. So I just ate my donut breakfast (hey, at least I gagged something down!),and now I'm going to take a lil bath and warm up a bit before my 5 minute ride.
Then it's off to take Grama to the Dr and for lab work. I'm really worried about her. She has a significant amount of blood in her urine again, and her lower back aches. I'm afraid this time it may be her kidneys.
So yesterday, I reordered my 43 things list to put the goals that are most necessary for my health and well being at the top of my list. I know no matter how "blah" or tired or weepy I feel, I am most often able to be present and do what must be done (it's my curse...*LOL*) So when I look over the last couple of months, I notice that I am happiest when doing. Designing artwork, doing tattoos, taking care of business; whether it's laundry, housecleaning or whatever. Therein lies the problem. The drudgery of facing the daily chores without a working schedule, added to the hormones, the recent dental pain, the weight gain and up n down of my FMS pain and chronic fatigue, along with outside stressors such as vehicle problems, F and A's living and relationship, financial worries, have put me in a place of wanting to hide my head under the covers and sleep; or escape playing computer games or web browsing.
The only things that seem to get me moving are my art (when I have a design to work on...not just doing stuff because I want to draw), and keeping a minimally clean house out of love and respect for my hard-working partner.
Yesterday I managed to do several things that are good for me and will hopefully begin to help me climb my way out of this depression.
1) I ate 3 small meals. This is a big deal, because my unhealthy MO is to skip breakfast and lunch, then eat dinner which kicks my metabolism in and makes me wakeful and hungry late into the night.
2) I rode my excercise bike for 5 minutes.
3) I began taking Relacort, which I'm hoping will help with the stress and weight loss.
4) And most important of all I sat my partner down and told her that I was in depression. She admitted that she thinks she is, too. We cried together, and supported each other in our tears and feelings. And we began making some plans on how to reduce our stress, change some of our financial and vehicle problems, and most importantly, support and help pull each other up, instead of our mutual depressive behaviors insidiously pulling each other (and thereby doubling back on ourselves) down.
So last night we made a point to go to the bedroom and watch some TV together, instead of her hiding in TV, while I hide on the computer. We decided to pray together every night, and for me to get up with her in the morning and share some time before she goes to work and that we would share at least 5 gratitudes each morning.
It was very cool. I'm so grateful she is open to my experience (and dare I use her word; wisdom), to help us find solutions. Before we got too sleepy we put our arms around each other and prayed: "Hey, Goddess and Gods, this is T and T out here in the High Desert and we sure could use some help. Things are gettin' us down and we ask for strength and courage and the willingness to do what needs done. We ask so we can be better people, and reflect love instead of anger and sadness into the world. Let us be vessels of your light. Bless our loved ones and bring comfort to the afflicted. In the words of my Goddess-daughter Mikyla, please make the bad people good and the good people better." Mt T doesn't have alot of practice at praying, so I did the talking, but she was fully present. Then we did a sort of psalm I read somewhere years ago together.
"Ever as I pass through the ways
do I fee the presence of the Gods.
I know that in aught I do
They are with me.
They abide in me
as I in Them, forever.
No evil shall be entertained
for purity is the dweller
within me and about.
For good do I strive
for good do I live.
Love unto all things
Forever.
So mote it be."
It felt really good. This morning, I dragged myself awake with her (that's the tough part for me) and we did our gratitudes. The awesome thing about gratitudes is that at first you think "How can I possibly come up with 5?" And then once you get going, it's hard to stop!!! It was quite excellent. So I just ate my donut breakfast (hey, at least I gagged something down!),and now I'm going to take a lil bath and warm up a bit before my 5 minute ride.
Then it's off to take Grama to the Dr and for lab work. I'm really worried about her. She has a significant amount of blood in her urine again, and her lower back aches. I'm afraid this time it may be her kidneys.
Labels: depression, grama, gratitudes, praying, tammy
